


The Mysterious Newcomer

by readercat



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Wanted (2008)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:02:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8778808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readercat/pseuds/readercat
Summary: A mysterious newcomer, Wesley Gibson, arrives in Forks.  Why is he here?  Bella doesn't know, but she is smitten all the same.  Edward and Jacob, not so much.  Nor is Wesley.
Warning:  If you're a fan of Twilight, you probably won't like this.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short, cracky little Wanted/Twilight mash-up I wrote to get back into the swing of writing. 
> 
> Warning: If you're a fan of Twilight, you probably won't like this.

           A newcomer has shown up at Forks High School.  And as everyone knows, being new to Forks makes you the hottest, most desirable person in school by default...regardless of your personality—or lack thereof.  This mysterious newcomer was something different, though.  Wesley Gibson didn’t need to be in Forks in order to be the hottest, most desirable person in school.  He would probably have been the hottest person anywhere, but because of that aura of _‘something different’_ about him, he was a shoo-in for ‘Forks Hottest’.  His big blue eyes and aura of extreme danger has even Bella looking slightly less constipated than usual.

         

          Edward and Jacob instantly hate him.

         

          The way that Wesley was studiously avoiding her, to the point of rudeness, reminds Bella of how romantic Edward used to be, which causes Bella to listlessly declare that she is deeply, passionately, irrevocably in love with Wesley and cannot live without him.

          Mentally kicking Edward and Jacob to the curb, Bella paints a silhouette of Wesley on her bedroom wall and makes a cardboard cut-out of him to put in the tree outside her window, so that he can watch her sleep. _‘Wesley is so romantic’,_ she sighs to herself, thinking of the way that he ignored her when she tried to talk to him during Trig. It was all she could do to not jump him right there in front of everyone. 

 

          Wesley is terrified to be the object of Bella’s affections, but he can't run just yet—he still has a job to do. He’d known this assignment wouldn’t be easy, though if he’d known it would be like this, he would have definitely reconsidered. But some jobs are worth the sacrifice, and _this_  job, more than any other he has done, falls into the category of _‘for the greater good’_ that The Fraternity had always nattered on about.

 

          Edward discovers that Bella plans to dump him for the new boy, and fearing that he and Jacob will no longer be able to half-heartedly bicker at each other for Bella’s apathetic love, he hatches his own plot to get rid of Wesley.  His sullenly-passionate, yet somehow still-listless plea, moves Jacob who agrees to help him.

 

 

          Meanwhile, in the interests of completing his assignment, Wesley agrees to 'cuddle' with Bella.  Because of his terror and revulsion, his body against hers is stiff and wooden.  Bella finds this pleasing, but his skin is far too warm for her tastes, so she asks he take an ice bath.  He briefly considers shooting himself, but he holds on for the greater good.

_There's no fucking way the_ Loom of Destiny _was wrong about_ this _bunch_.  And Wesley can't wait to kill every one of these motherfuckers.

 

          To get him through the ice bath, he fantasizes about putting one between Bella's blankly staring, cow-like eyes.  He gets a warm glow in his chest at the thought, and he smiles in anticipation of ending her.  

          Unfamiliar with non-emo expressions, Bella is vaguely disturbed by his smile, but dismisses it as he looks neither annoyed nor constipated, which is the limit of her range of expression.  

          Edward, who is watching from his favorite stalking spot by Bella's window, is also a bit perplexed, as his range of expression is as limited as Bella's. And since Jacob's repertoire of facial expressions include only looks of butt-hurt and/or puppy-like devotion, he's pretty clueless, too.  He and Edward look at each other in confusion and shrug.

 

          After his ice-bath, Wesley goes back to ‘cuddling’ with Bella, and is subjected to a new kind of hell:  Bella is putting the moves on him now that Wesley’s body is a more pleasing temperature.  Used to having Edward always playfully trying to escape, she’s not easily put off by Wesley’s stuggling and is practically humping his leg.

 

         Finally, _finally_ , though...everyone is in position and Wesley whips out a pistol and caps them all.  He's made sure to load up using a custom silver bullet with an exploding round for Edward and Jacob.

         The resulting explosions are strangely, but unsurprisingly, dull.  Just like the expressions on their faces.  Fortunately, the round also works on Bella—he's been worried that it might not.  Still, just to be safe, he douses them all with holy water, then sets the place on fire.  As an after-thought he says a prayer, then salts the ground—you can never be too careful.

 

          Wesley’s plan was to sneak out of Forks, unnoticed, during the confusion of the fire brigade showing up, but it's still quiet.  Frankly, he’s a little surprised that no fire trucks have shown up yet, especially in a town as small as Forks.   Finally, he decides to just make a run for it, but suddenly finds himself surrounded by the townspeople.  

         He thinks, at first, that he's going to have to fight his way out of the town, then realizes that they are all crying and thanking him for freeing them from the listless hell in which they’d been living.  

          It turns out they were the ones who'd hired him to kill Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

 

         Moved by their gratitude, Wesley gladly returns their money and tearfully thanks _them_ for letting him kill those freaks.

 

          _The End_


End file.
